My dad died when I was 19 years old, and it occurred to me not too long ago how little of my life I actually spent with him...
My parents divorced when I was 3 years old, and my dad moved to Texas when I was 5. I spent all of my summers with him until I was 17, and then I spent my entire summer with him after my freshman year of college. I spent 8-10 hours a day in the hospital with him and watched him die in stages....
And I did know him for 19 years, but turning 30 has really brought back a lot of the grief for me.
Here is the thing: I am finally myself--I am comfortable with myself; I am confident. I wish so much that we could sit down now and talk. There are so many things I would want to know now, as an adult. My dad played and sang in night clubs--I wish I had known that side of him. And I know it is a side of him that I would have known only as an adult.
I sang at a funeral recently, and afterwards I cried for my father for the first time in a long time. I cried because it was the best I had ever sang, and I was so very sad. I was sad because I realized how awesome it feels now to sing--the whole time my dad knew me, I was so nervous to sing. But now I just let go, and I wish so much that I could sing for him now. I wish he could sit down at the piano and cock his head and play and that I could sing with that abandon that he always tried to get me to sing with....
I wish that I could talk to him about my children.
I am just now so keenly aware that no matter how well I knew my father at age 19, there will always be parts of him that I never will know or see...
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4 comments:
Bawling more....where is my *&@* Lexapro??????
I'm with ArtC. I was fortunate to get to know my dad as an adult. But still there are so many things he and I could have done that I regret now.
I know this is hard for you now, but try to think about all the good times you had together and memories you made together. It might help you to focus on that instead of all the time you missed together. Maybe this can bring you some comfort. My older sister died when I was 15 and I went through a lot of the same things you are going through.
I am so sorry. I'm sure that you have beent old that he hears you singing anyway... but it's little consolation I am sure when you miss out on so much! Hugs.
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